Sofia's Stretchmarks

Trauma, grief and heartbreak chopped, changed and rearranged me. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing unexpected, nothing that a simple Google search wouldn’t have told me, but nonetheless, harrowing.

2024’s episode was markedly different. My brain was fully developed, my network of support was strong, I was happy at work, I’d ticked off so many things I wanted in my youth. My gratitude for all of this became obsolete, and even in the face of all the previous and neverending turbulence, it was far deeper cutting. Maybe it was the quick succession of life altering events. Maybe, just for a fleeting moment, I wasn’t as resilient as I once was. Or maybe, it was down to the fact I am a fundamentally different person to who I was in my early 20’s. Someone who now allowed themselves to truly feel the world around them instead of forcing down those feelings until they spill out in self deprecating and dangerous behaviours and actions.

The past 14 months have allowed me to truly sit and scrutinise my inner workings, and through this I think I have only just begun to truly understand who I have grown to be. ‘Grown’ might be too conservative. I would describe it more like being dragged through muddied barbed wire, kicking, screaming and begging for it to stop. And then stillness and silence. All that remained at the end of it was my own thoughts. A brutal deconstruction and reconstruction of myself . A bitter coming to terms with how life’s cards had fallen for me. And lastly, somehow, somewhere within my grasp, my faith. In God and in myself.

I could harp on until my last breath about how finding my way back to truly understanding the Qadr of Allah has steadied me and provided a tranquility, peace and happiness that I never thought I’d find, but it’s not what I’m here for right now. I’m here to capture my thoughts at this moment. The pride in knowing that I did the legwork, the mental gymnastics, the endless talking, the weeping it out of my system, to still be here. A source of pride I believe may only be comparable to the feeling someone has watching their child grow up and become someone great.

In 2019 I wrote to myself “I’ve come to terms with the fact I wont find inner peace or happiness. These things are intangible. I think I’m so damaged at this point that the best I can hope for are short bursts of comfort and joy until I can’t anymore.” Melodramatic much? Not even. I was genuinely ready to go. My mental health hit a rock bottom that I didn’t even know existed. I had dragged myself along for so long I assumed it’d just continue that way, but my ability to do so completely buckled under the weight of crippling depression, disdain for existing and anxiety about what the next blow would be.

As mentioned before, 2024 was worse. Far worse. But I allowed myself to truly be seen and heard. More importantly, I allowed myself to truly see and hear myself, and not just the screeching of a bottomless ache from a life full of trauma, grief and disappointment. Counselling that seemed to patch up the damage previously, but eventually became undone finally stuck. I allowed my vulnerability to grow and show, and through that came an upwards trajectory of healing and a true inner peace that once seemed so unobtainable I couldn’t even begin to conceptualise in my mind what it would feel like. I was able to tackle my feelings head-on and not through finding coping mechanisms that in the long term served me no benefit, or opportunity to grow stronger, more resilient and actually find hope at the end.

A cherished person once said, “Just like my body’s stretchmarks were a part of my growing pains, we will move on endlessly while enduring the pain, under the belief of growth. Because the pain creates the room for take-off.” And true to such wise, thought-filled words, the pain did in fact create room for take-off. My value, my worth and life is weighted in my personality, my kindness, patience and willingness to share, care and love. It’s no longer sourced from my sadness, past inability to process my feelings, or, the feeling of othering, rejection and my failures.

Despite everything, I will only continue to thrive in my short time here, strive for a life beyond this that is better and pour into this world and myself, love and care. To embrace this life that pain carved out for me. Ultimately, only what is meant for me will find me. I know this now. I know that I deserve a good and happy life, and in knowing that I’m deserving of this, I can finally live the life a 14 year old me thought I’d have. We segued for a while, but we found our way back through ourselves and by the Qadr of Allah. Al Mujib. Al Wadud. Ar Rahman.

“Verily, with hardship comes ease” Surah Ash-Sharh, 94:5-6

*Footnote: Life has a funny way of working. I’d spent until about 2am on the 15th December furiously writing notes for my first blog post. I had much to say, much to celebrate and much to reflect on, triggered nonetheless by having the carpet being pulled from under my feet, feeling like a clown and the gut punch of rejection. It’s almost as if God saw that and said let me test you on this new found stability.

My grandad unfortunately passed away within hours of me initially writing this on Monday 15th December 2025. His memory will live on. He is so loved and will be so deeply missed. The weeks that follow will be testament to the growth, peace and stability I have built for myself brick by brick. My ability to cope and process has withstood the hit. Alhamdulillah , Alhamdulillah for everything. And once again, life will (insha’Allah ) demonstrate that I will move on endlessly while enduring the pain, under the belief of growth.