Sofia's Stretchmarks

Finding peace within myself was step one. Finding passion in things again has been the second part of the journey. Iterations of “if you like something enough, you’ll make time for it” “if you really want it you’ll go for it” were frequently heard by me in varying contexts but kind of just went over my head. Maybe it was out of apprehension in enjoying my own personal things. I guess part of this was essentially being in survival mode. It’s not that I didn’t have moments of enjoyment, it’s that I didn’t centre myself in those moments. It’s easier to live for others instead of yourself, it puts a stopper on the self exploration and introspection that comes along with discovering passion in your own life. It sounds bleak, and standing where I am now, it is just that, bleak and a coping mechanism.

I’ve always been a big proponent of the “I enjoy seeing the people I love enjoying themselves, I’m quite happy going along” mindset, and that still stands to be true, however, it’s okay for me to sometimes put myself forward in the equation of social gatherings and activities. Finding passion in life might not be the correct way of framing it, but more so me centring myself and actually acknowledging that I have to have things that bring me fulfilment, excitement and discomfort. Yes, discomfort.

I attended a lecture at the end of last year thats focus was predominantly to do with growing healthier adult bodies with reference to rainforest communities (super super fascinating stuff, may I add) but something that one of the lecturers said at the end really gave me room for pause, “Comfort often means you do not have to do anything to be happy where you are”. I know, how podcast bro, how manosphere and hustle life of him. But in that moment, it rang true. I was so comfortable, and so averse to exploring more, and putting myself in uncomfortable situations even if those things were interesting to me because of the fear of discomfort. Fear of centring myself and not prioritising those around me. Fear of self exploration and what that could lead to. Fear of feeling silly, under qualified, uncomfortable in new social settings, having to go through baby steps again to learn or try something new. I also found myself in a place where I felt scared of committing to hobbies which sounds incredibly silly but, in a world where productivity and monetisation is central to our existence, even in my socialist brain, I felt like I was fighting with myself.

I unfortunately don’t have anything nearly as deep or thought filled as my first post to say. But what I do have to say is that I am a sum of all my silly little things that I take joy and have found/rediscovered passion in. Crocheting for myself and not just for the purpose of meeting commissions and gifting has revolutionised my free time, it’s totally okay for me to sit down for an hour or two when I have the time to do so. It is brilliant. It’s not a waste of time even if things don’t work the way I want them to. It’s all a learning curve and maybe one day I’ll be excellent. Taking blurry film photos isn’t a waste of film or money spent on developing them, someone kindly reminded me that archiving my life and memories is special,  and they were right. The fear of picking up a new language in my old age is far outweighed by the gains I’ll make in the long term if I can bite down hard and pull through the discomfort.

In the same way I find joy in watching others enjoy themselves, I know my friends and loved ones feel similarly, so it’s okay to sometimes prioritise myself in planning activities and outings, even if it is just extremely thick hot chocolate in Richmond or sitting in a seedy uncle café that does phenomenal shaah discussing something obscure and random I read somewhere that blew my mind. I am the fun facts friend after all! Attending free lectures on my own because we live in a wonderfully big city filled with opportunities to learn and be curious is fun once I push past the discomfort of being on my own. Researching souvenir spoons, moomin mug designs, and deep diving on the history of British desserts are all silly little things that bring joy to me, and that’s fine, I can do that without feeling like I’m wasting time or feeling guilty.

Sometimes passion and enjoyment isn’t at the forefront. But by putting the first foot forward, it builds routine, growth in confidence, ability, competency and unlocks things in you that were non-existent or dormant previously. Passion and enjoyment will undoubtedly shortly follow. My joy and purpose must first come from within myself, and anything that fosters that feeling of purpose is important and maybe not just a silly little thing. I hope that you can find comfort in discomfort if it allows you to find things for yourselves that add purpose to your life and allow you to be happy where you are, in the same way I’m doing so for myself now.